I haven’t always had the great fucking taste in music that I have now. In fact, before my sophomore year in high school the only thing I listened to were movie scores and one edited Blink 182 CD that some family member no one invited to my birthday party probably bought for me.
In middle school my friend had an iPod and because I was a fucking kid in middle school I wanted what other kids had so of course I begged my parents for an iPod. My parents probably wanted to say, “you don’t need a fucking iPod because we don’t want you to get beat up for getting caught listening to the Jurassic Park soundtrack in class”, but instead they said, “we’ll think about it”. Well they thought about it for a long fucking time and eventually I got an iPod.
The first night I had it I just kept it under my bed because frankly I didn’t know what to do with an iPod. The next morning I borrowed some of my mom’s CDs (U2 and Coldplay, mom stuff) and put them on the iPod. I went to school and I listened to U2 and Coldplay and told my mom “Clocks is a great song” and she said “yeah it is” and I imagined making a movie based around the song Clocks because the song was begging to be played while someone ran through the rain.
This scene would have been better if Clocks were playing.
The next day at school I asked my friend if he would burn me a CD of all of the music on his CD and he said “yes”. So I got his burned CD and I put his music on my iPod too. I think he had Yellowcard and Ben Folds because I guess we lived in a time where people only owned two fucking CD’s.
So basically what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been a fan of Coldplay since my mom and every other mom in the USA bought a rush of blood to the head on release day. So for a while now.
Recently Coldplay announced the news that they were releasing a new album. Amazing right? Everything they’ve released so far has been pretty good so I figured the new stuff was going to be pretty good. Then I heard the first song “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.
The first thing you hear is a synthesizer Chris Martin probably borrowed from The Black Eyed Peas. Okay. So maybe they are switching it up a little, no need to freak out.
I TURN THE MUSIC UP, I GOT MY RECORDS ON - Chris Martin
I guess Chris Martin forgot he wasn’t fucking Justin Bieber. What follows for the next four minutes or so is one the shittiest song ever made. If you’ve never heard it imagine a really talented band you like and now imagine what they would sound like if they were retarded.
And all the kids they dance, all the kids all night.
So in order to save Coldplay’s career, because I’m a nice guy and I actually have enjoyed some of their previous work, I am going do them a favor.
I’ve written a press release for them explaining why their new album sucks balls but also saying not to worry because the next album won’t be shit.
I suppose most of you at this point have heard our newest song “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” and have thrown up all over your computers while at the same time wondering what the fuck “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” even means and what it has to do with kids dancing all night. For those of you who haven’t stabbed themselves in the ears preventing them from listening to any music in the future, we have some good news and an explanation. First the explanation.
This album was written when I was twelve years old. I recently stumbled across some tapes my mother apparently recorded of me while I sang nonsense in my sleep. I showed them to the guys and they said, “we should, for fun, record this fucking nonsense you made up when you were twelve and release it for all to hear so they can be in on the joke with us on how terrible of a songwriter you were when you twelve years old and you thought the phrase “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” made sense and was fucking cool”. I hesitantly agreed and we got to work. It was really easy because most of the songs had only a couple chords and my younger self left notes for my future self just in case I ever considered re-recording my old material. One note, in particular, said, “make it sound like shit”. So we did just that.
Now the good news. We are already working on our next album and it’s material that I didn’t write when I was twelve. It sounds like a grown man wrote it and the lyrics make sense.
In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to release all of this shit without first warning people of it’s origin. But as I always say, better late than never.
P.S. If the next album is shitty it’s because I found more tapes of myself when I was twelve.
Problem averted. Your welcome Coldplay.
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thecolorfreak reblogged this from fuckeveryhipster
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staywithme-arienette reblogged this from oberstcult and added:
whos favorite band is fucking coldplay anyway?
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kostrzyn liked this
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oberstcult reblogged this from fuckeveryhipster and added:
judge conor, your favorite band is coldplay...did you follow me?
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fuckeveryhipster posted this
