So the other day I decided I would go see “The Tree Of Life” before it left theatres. I had been looking forward to it for a while and it sounded like a great movie. Plus, the critics were giving it rave reviews. I was expecting see an instant classic. Instead I got a thirty minute sequence that included some jellyfish swimming around and bunch of dinosaurs.
EXT. Desert - Day. Sean Penn walks around for thirty minutes. Critics shit pants.
Since the movie wasn’t playing at my local theatre my friends and I decided we would make the thirty minute drive to the closest art cinema. Not before stopping at the gas station and getting some candy first, of course.
My friend says, “we should get gummy bears”. And my other friend is like, “get sour skittles” so I’m like, “how about the best of both worlds?”. Perplexed, they ask for more information regarding my comment/question. Instead of vocally replying I lean down and grab a yellow and green bag, look at it for a moment, and toss it to my friend. He gasps. Why didn’t he think of this before, he wonders to himself.
Best part of movie.
At this point we are ready for the drive. It’s about thirty minutes so we’ve got a lot to talk about. We talk about our favorite movies, listen to The Black Eyed Peas, and blame each others farts on dead skunks. Time flies and before we know we are parking in a parking lot close to the theatre.
Once outside my friend comments on the atmosphere. “It’s great here!” he says. And it was.
At the ticket window I proudly proclaimed that I would like one ticket to The Tree Of Life and made an offer concerning payment. The ticket guy responded with the actual price which I paid and then received my ticket.
We got into the theatre to find ourselves alone. “More people should be getting here, we are here a bit early” my friend says. “when does the movie start?” I ask. “A couple minutes” he replies, just as someone else is walking in.
This guy.
Finally the trailers start. First we see the trailer for “Beginners” (which looks fucking fantastic), then we see a couple trailers for some movies that obviously sucked because I didn’t remember what they were. There was a trailer for a horse documentary though, and I said “this looks good” and my friend laughed, so he thought I was joking. I’ll see it alone.
And then.. the moment we were waiting for.. THE TREE OF LIFE. The movie critics have been going crazy about. The movie I can’t stop hearing about on Facebook.
Then, after a few bags of candy, a few laughs, and honest disbelief, the movie was over. No conclusion, no story line, and no dialogue for Sean Penn. Just one big acid trip. My friend looks at me, and I look at him. Then I look at my other friend and he looks at me. Then all together we say, “What the..”.
“Okay, put dinosaurs in this scene” “But Terrence, that doesn’t make sense..” “I DON’T CARE I LIKE FUCKING DINOSAURS, JELLYFISH, FUCKING VOLCANOES AND DESERT”
The walk out of the theatre was definitely awkward. We had all just wasted time, money and gasoline. On top of that I couldn’t even taste anymore because that’s what 2 and a half hours of sour patch kids does to your tongue.
We stopped by the poster and started laughing at the quote by one critic, “A MOVIE THAT DEFIES CATEGORIZATION”. Or basically “A MOVIE THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE BUT I DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND BE THE FIRST ONE TO SAY I WANT MY MONEY BACK”.
Yeah. It sucked. But, keeping in spirit with all of the apparently fucking blind and deaf critics, I award “The Tree Of Life”:
FIVE OUT FIVE STARS
Because no other movie can suck so bad and still have every critic on the planet sucking it’s dick. That’s just something else right there.
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