A lot of people have read my post “Conor Oberst Is An Asshole” and probably assume I have an unjustified hate for this man, which is mostly true. Most of you probably have assumed I have not taken the time to listen to his music, which is not true. I thought’d I’d take the time to point out my top five Bright Eyes songs and why they don’t suck like most of the songs.
NUMBER FIVE : FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE
Some of you are already groaning. Well… Shut the fuck up. Let’s face it, this is one of his best songs. Why? Because it’s accessible. Because it’s cute. Because it’s not so miserable. There is a reason so many people like this song, and it’s not because they are assholes who don’t understand the “true depth of Conor’s songwriting”. No, only assholes like you think that. It’s because it makes people happy when they listen to it. Misery loves company, and despite what you think, misery is a minority.
NUMBER FOUR : BOWL OF ORANGES
Most of you just rolled your eyes. But guess what? I don’t care because this song is fantastic. I love that this song is positive and not negative like most of his songs.
NUMBER THREE : NOTHING GETS CROSSED OUT
This song isn’t super positive, but’s it’s still great. I hardly agree with anything Conor says but this is a song that I do agree with, as far as lyrical content goes.
NUMBER TWO : HIT THE SWITCH
This is a good “pop” song. I can really only stand three songs on Digital Ash and this is one of them. I like to wallow in this song’s misery.
NUMBER ONE : YOU WILL. YOU? WILL. YOU? WILL. YOU? WILL.
This is the first Bright Eyes song I actually liked when I was forced to listen to it all of the time in high school. I believe that this song has an amazing “climax”.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Road To Joy, We Are Nowhere And It’s Now, Theme To Pinata, Lover I Don’t Have To Love; Danny Callahan, Lenders In The Temple
See, so now you know every Bright Eye’s song that I like. So if we ever go on a road trip together you know which songs this asshole wrote that I enjoy!
UP NEXT: BRIGHT EYES SONGS I HATE
I wasn’t going to do a new post today, but after I saw a recent reply to one of my posts I just couldn’t help it.
If you don’t follow my blog or have begun reading this post out of context, go back a couple of pages, do some light reading, and catch up.
Anyway, back to what was going on, I recently found this on my dashboard:
Now let’s just take a moment to let this post sink in and take it from the beginning. I’ll do my best to rip this apart as someone is sitting next to me chewing loudly and it’s really fucking annoying.
First off, let’s figure out this connyxoberst character. (I’m going to assume she’s a girl based off of her Tumblr. If she’s a gay guy, well than I fucking apologize. Maybe you should clarify that shit on your blog if it makes you butt hurt [not literally, relax]) So anyway, I’m guessing conny is a Conor Oberst fan. I’m basing this assumption off of the tumblr devoted to Conor Oberst and her fucking username. Now why is she attacking me? Not because she gives a shit about Laura, or whatever the fuck her name is like I cared, but because I talked some shit on Conor Oberst.
Here are some statistics for you:
As you can see from this scientifically tested graph, 75 percent of Conor fans are pure assholes. Basically what this means is, if you ever say anything other than, “IF CONOR WANTS TO ILL LET HIM RAPE ME”, than they will shit their pants and treat the internet like serious business. But this graph is just a teaching aid. Let’s get back to the main focus, conny.
So basically conny starts by letting me know that she is facebook friends with mrs. feh. Okay. Congratufuckinglations. What else do I need to know? Did you have sleep overs in middle school together and braid each others fucking hair in class instead of paying attention? Either way, I don’t give a shit.
She then goes on to let me know that mrs. feh posted a photo of herself in her cap and gown fucking smiling, because the fact that she’s smiling is apparently a really fucking important detail.
The next thing she tells me is that they hung out together and got drinks together and met her toootally sweet boyfriend who tooootally isn’t a hipster. She also let’s me know that him and his friends are pre-med. Okay. Well congratufuckinglations to him too. What do I care if he’s pre-med? Am I supposed to be jealous that I’m not a fucking almost-doctor? And also, congrats on feeling stupid around pre-med students. What a great little anecdote. You should fucking tell that story all the time. It makes you sound smart.
People who don’t go to med school.
Finally, she let’s me know that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I’m turning this into something bigger than it is, when in reality I’m just replying to shit people say to my posts because I like to acknowledge the people who read my blog. If they say something nice, I’ll say something nice. If they something shitty, then I’ll say something shitty back. It’s not rocket science, but if you felt dumb around a bunch of Laura’s boyfriends almost-doctor friends then maybe it is.
So I ask you conny, just quit before you make a bigger ass of yourself.
Oberstcult has continued, yet again, to prove her intelligence by responding to my posts on Tumblr. Let’s examine her newest response.
First Oberstcult continues to make the assumption that I am hipster by claiming that I have admitted to be one in a previous post. This is false, I only said I would become a hipster if it meant it would further our romantic relationship.
Second, she claims that my only insult is calling someone an “asshole”. This is also false, I use lots of insults. I also never insulted her by calling her an asshole. Instead I have made it her pet name, like when a guy calls a girl babe. I call her asshole.
Third, she extends an invitation to me to visit her blog and spend more than a second on it, assuming I care about her personal life. Of course, if it makes you want me more, then I care deeply and I’ll make it up to you asshole.
Fourth, another assumption that I care.
Fifth, she claims that I desire to be a professional music blogger or “something”. Forgets I just made a Tumblr yesterday.
Sixth, she attempts to insult me one more time by calling me a hipster.
Fascinating stuff people. Oberstcult, aka Mrs. fuckeveryhipster, continues to obsess over my posts and me, begging me to join her hipster ways and spend nights with her, making out, listening to Bright Eyes on a record player despite the invention of the fucking computer, while expressing our hate for pop music. It really is true love.
But wait, there is more. Mrs. fuckeveryhipster has a Tumblr friend who defends her honor.
First, I’d like to point out that northemdownpour is clearly a fucking Canadian, as expressed in her use of the phrase, “eh?”. Not that it matters. I just thought I’d point it out.
Second, this is true, Mrs. FEH has nothing to prove to me. I already love her.
Third, this is also true, don’t listen to me. We’ve been talking too much. Let’s let our bodies do the talking. I’ll be your “lover you don’t have to love”, if you will. Your “yellow bird”. Your dream come true.
Oberstcult doesn’t give up. And that’s a quality we should all admire.
Upon waking up and finding several questions in my inbox, I also found yet another response from my favorite Tumblrerer, “oberstcult”. I find she has a way with words, and I think that if we met in real life we would probably be best friends. Maybe even more than that. One can only hope.
First, I admire how quickly you get to insulting me. It is a turn on.
Second, I still don’t know why so many of you are trying to convince me to come out of the fucking hipster closet. If this is because hipsters can only marry hipsters and you are trying to set us up for a future relationship, then let me know. I will make it work.
Third, I’m glad you graduated from high school and college. Education is important. Of course this is the internet and you are probably just lying.
Fourth, I see that you’ve casually slipped in the fact that you are dating someone. I get the vibe that you have done this so that I won’t hit on you in the future. I’m going to tell you trying to stop me is futile. Our love is too strong.
Fifth, for the hundredth fucking time, I told you I had the Jurassic Park and LOTR soundtracks my freshman year. No matter how you look at it, that stuff is fucking music and when I was freshman I thought it was fucking incredible. My sophomore year was the year I started developing the incredible taste I have now. I will send you a copy of my autobiography when it comes out so you won’t make these mistakes anymore.
Sixth, this will be the third post I’ve dedicated to you and our possible future relationship. I look forward to making out with you in the future, and I hope you are really hot.
Hipster oberstcult and her hipster not-boyfriend.
