This week I am going to be writing some reviews and I want to know what you want to see reviewed, so send me some suggestions and I will review as many as I can!
I’ll also be making a post this week recommending music I like, so if you’re a musician please send me your stuff and I’ll include it in the post!
For review suggestions, title your email “REVIEW SUG”.
For recommendations, title your email “MUSIC REC”. (You can also recommend any art or media you are creating)
Send to: fehipster@gmail.com
Thank you! I hope to hear from you all soon!
-Fuck Every Hipster
So when I was in high school I dated a girl that loved Conor Oberst. And she didn’t just “love” Conor Oberst like I love pizza. She loved Conor Oberst in the creepy way where if she met him in an alleyway she would probably let him rape her mouth. Okay, now I realize she might love him in the way I love pizza because in a sense I do let pizza rape me in the mouth. But she would probably do disgusting things to him. You get the picture.
I really liked this girl, so of course when ever she was in my car I would let her listen to as much shitty music as she wanted because otherwise she probably wouldn’t make out with me (probably). Now when I say I let her listen to as much shitty music as she wanted, I actually meant I let her listen to Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst, because that’s all she fucking listened to.
Look at this asshole.
So anyway, the first time I ever heard his music was through her. It was before we actually dated. I was talking her up on Myspace, because that’s what we did when I was in high school when we liked a girl, and I asked her about her tastes in music. I consider myself to have pretty good taste, and I thought she would too. So I tell her some artists I like (she had never heard of them, probably because she never stops listening to Bright Eyes for five fucking seconds to ever know there are other artists in the world) and she tells me she likes Bright Eyes. So I was like, hm, maybe I’ll check them out. So I get on Youtube and give it a listen. Of course you could imagine my surprise when I heard what I thought was a joke. So I think maybe I just listened to a bad song or a bad take and click some more links. Imagine my surprise again when it all sounds the same. Okay. Whatever. Not a deal breaker. She likes shitty music.
So we start dating and making out and discussing music some more. I open her mind to some other artists who aren’t Conor Oberst and she makes me contemplate punching my own ears. Eventually Conor Oberst goes on tour, and what do you know? She gets tickets. So of course we have to go.
Stop crying asshole.
So we get to the concert and she makes us wait in line for like 200 hours so we can get up front and close enough that she can see the penis outline in his skinny jeans. And we’re in line with about a dozen other assholes. So I decide I’ll have some conversations and at this point my girlfriend is being kind of a bitch. I ask some people what music they like, and what a surprise, they like Conor Oberst and fucking Bright Eyes, oh and The Mystic Valley Band (as if it was a fucking band before they backed up Conor Oberst’s shitty music). I start telling them about other great artists, who they brush aside.
So me, being the amazing boyfriend that I am, tell my girlfriend “well I’m going to get some water, it’s a little hot, you want some?” and she’s like, “yeah I’ll take some”, and I take her credit card and buy us two waters and myself a pack of gum. I come back and they are all sitting against the wall smoking like assholes. My girlfriend doesn’t really smoke but I guess she thought it made her look smarter (she had to compensate). I give her the water and sit down next to her. They continue to talk about Bright Eyes and how amazing Conor Oberst is and all of his other shitty bands he was in.
At one point one of them actually said “Park Ave”. Not “Park Avenue” but “Park Ave”. And I said, “don’t you mean Park Avenue”. They said “no, I mean Park Ave” (they pronounced it like Avvvv”) and I’m like “yeah, that stands for Avenue” and they are like “no it’s avvvv”. And I’m like (in my head) “okay whatever retard”.
Probably the retard I was talking to.
So now I’m sitting against a wall with a bunch of special education kids and I can’t even make out with my girlfriend because her mouth tastes like what I imagine a cheap hooker/strippers mouth tastes like. And I’m not saying there is something wrong with smoking but anyone who claims kissing someone who smokes is pleasant is an asshole.
Then this one guy starts hitting on my girlfriend. So I’m sitting there like an asshole while my girlfriend flirts with some asshole. Then he says, “hey we should get some drinks when we get in” and then looks at me and says “and you too” and I’m like thanks for the mention but I actually say “I don’t drink, no thanks” and he says, “wooaah, straight edge” and holds his fingers up like an x to me and I say loudly so people can hear “fuck you!” and he gets scared and my girlfriend says “he doesn’t like labels”. yeah because I’m badass.
Finally we get into the show and we get right up front. The opening act is Kurt Vile (another potential asshole). Eventually we get to Conor and the shitty valley band. Conor comes out and everyone goes crazy, including my girlfriend. In fact, I’m surprised she didn’t piss her pants. The guy who was hitting on her earlier is across from us so he waves and I flip him off. We don’t see him for the rest of the night.
So Conor is playing some songs and then from back stage comes the thickest smell of weed. Apparently the guys who opened for him are a bunch of fucking stoners. Great. I don’t really smoke and the smell is kind of annoying me. But I don’t really care so I live with it. Then the girl next to me starts smoking. And I’m thinking “what the fuck is this?”. Conor is playing some sort of wannabe southern cry baby songs and people are lighting it up like it’s fucking woodstock.
Basically this.
To make matters worse, whatever we had for lunch is making me visibly sick (or maybe I had the flu I don’t fucking know im not a doctor). So I tell my girlfriend I’m feeling a little sick. She says okay and continues to watch conor. Bitch. Instead of leaving I just stand right there and watch, and I’m feeling really sick. Then the girl next to me notices I’m pale and looking sick so she says “are you okay?” and I say “yeah yeah I’m fine thanks” and I regret the things I thought of her before and transfer my annoyance to my “amazing” girlfriend who is busy eye fucking Conor except to him she’s kind of like a small dog who humps your leg when you’re busy doing other things.
My girlfriend (the dog, not the legs)
Eventually Conor looks down at the audience during a break in between songs and he looks right at me, and I look really sick. He looks at me a couple times then goes back to playing his show. So I start looking at him and I notice every once in a while during this song he looks at me probably wondering if I’m about to die. And I thought I would because in high school just like every other teenager I had anxiety and every time I felt sick I was like “fucking cancer”.
So the song ends and he walks off stage to change his shirt, I watch him (as do all the girls) and they scream as he takes off his shirt. He then talks to a security guard back there for a moment and then returns to stage. Then about five seconds later here comes the security guard with a water bottle for me, because they don’t want me to die. And I just want to say let’s say I did have a life threatening illness, what the fuck is water going to do get me an ambulance. But it’s a nice gesture otherwise. So then the night is sort of soured because I can’t stay pissed at Conor because he indirectly got me water.
Fucking asshole.
